the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
