I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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