Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
