i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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