Redeem this text for a blowjob
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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