I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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