And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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