Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
