Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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