the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
