Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
