Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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