Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
