Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
