Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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