i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
