I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
