First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
