I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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