smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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