you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
