Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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