Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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