she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
