I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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