I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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