I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
