Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
