my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
