its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
