Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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