Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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