So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
