Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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