K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
