the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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