Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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