Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
