My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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