Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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