Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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