We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
