I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
