Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
