the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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