Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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