The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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