why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
