I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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