Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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